okay but neville longbottom as head of gryffindor house and there’s all these stories of him going head to head with an army of werewolves, being tortured by death eaters and killing Voldemort’s snake with godric gryffindor’s actual sword but when the students see him he’s like cradling a pot plant and crying cause he saw someone lost their pet on the noticeboard and they’re like “that guy? are you sure it’s that guy”
BONUS: one of the older student’s get dared to go up and ask him if it’s true and neville just makes direct eye-contact and says “voldemort was a punk bitch” and continues knitting a lil baby sweater for a mandrake
it is a harry potter fanfic from like 2009, 160k words, 50 chapters
basically, adult Harry accidentally goes back in time and wakes up on his 11th birthday again, but with all his memories of the future intact
(the way he travels back makes no sense whatsoever but it doesn’t really matter)
harry decides upon 3 goals:
fuck up as much shit as possible
make a shitload of money
save some lives or whatever
it is
H I L A R I O U S
his go-to explanation for how he knows what’s going to happen?
he has a psychic scar
(hermione is SO PISSED about this)
(neville’s like “either he’s psychic, or he’s the greatest conman alive”)
everyone just sort of assumes harry’s insane and he doesn’t do much to dispute this
harry also decides to make it his mission in life to LOSE the house cup every year
“snape is my sole ally”
he also goes out of his way to befriend neville, ginny, and luna earlier this time, so they’re part of the gang throughout and it’s great
even draco is a friend!
(kind of)
(when harry’s not spreading a rumor that draco’s the lovechild of narcissa and snape, anyway)
harry’s motivation for everything he does in this story is basically, “oh, this will be hilarious”
either that or, “it’s probably a tax deductible”
because the way lockhart is written in this story is also amazing and harry ends up teaming up with him to merchandise The Boy Who Lived so he can have cash to burn
(so he gets a LOT of shit done via bribes)
it gets to the point where harry is able to convince everyone that he’s not the heir of slytherin…. because if he was, he’d have found a way to make money off of it
and everyone’s like “yeah ok that checks out”
in this timeline, neville’s boggart isn’t snape…. it’s harry as the minister of magic
harry also decides to make sure cedric lives by quizzing him constantly on what to do if he ends up in a graveyard
harry: by the way, that reminds me – cedric. graveyard.
cedric, not even really listening: run like hell.
the sheer magnitude to which harry does not give a fuck in this timeline is truly awe-inspiring
he mouths off to everyone, and i mean everyone. lockhart, snape, the dursleys, malfoy, friggin’ voldemort
everyone is like “what… what the fuck, harry”
(though by the end of first year it’s more like “… *deep sigh* … fine.
snape is so angry
it’s fucking hysterical and just about everyone ends up better off
tbh the most unrealistic thing in harry potter is when mrs weasley in the first book asks “now what’s the platform number?”
like this woman has been going to that school for seven years and then dropped kids off on the same place for nearly ten like why on earth would she forget the platform number
I still have the headcanon that Molly BAMF Weasley saw a scrawny underfed child with an owl who had no idea where he was going and looked lost and confused and was like, “Ah, yep, new son.” but didn’t want to scare him by outright approaching and asking if he needed help so she was just like, “MUGGLES, MUGGLES EVERYWHERE! DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT THE PLATFORM NUMBER TO WIZARD SCHOOL IS? WHAT’S THAT? NINE AND THREE QUARTERS? OH, YES, THAT’S RIGHT. THE PLATFORM NUMBER IS N I N E A N D T H R E E Q U A R T E R S!”
Of course seeing as how Harry isn’t the most observant bloke, she probably ushered her kids past him fifty times as different ones screamed the platform number until they finally got his attention.
With that being said, and I’m extremely sorry for taking over your post:
11:45:
They had just enough time to make it onto the platform, get their trunks loaded, and say their goodbyes. Molly ushered them all along, wishing that she could just Apparate them all onto the train and be done with it. There was too much to do, too much to say, too m—
All at once, she screeched to a halt. Percy crashed into her, causing the twins to snicker.
A tiny boy was being crossly turned away by a security guard. A boy whose ribs poked through his baggy shirt, whose glasses were broken, whose jaw was trembling as he tried to find his way. Well, surely she could be the person to guide him there? And did he…? Yes! He had an owl! He was one of them!
The poor child; he looked so lost.
Where were his parents?
Never mind, never mind. She would see to it that he would get on the train. But she had to be careful. She couldn’t startle him. He’d run off and that would be the end of it. No, no, they had to be crafty.
11:47 AM:
“Packed with Muggles of course,” Molly said loudly, ushering her very confused children past the boy. “What’s the platform number again?”
“Nine and three quarters,” Percy said. “Mother, how could you have forg—?”
It was George who nudged him as he understood what she was doing. She had done it before, after all, and she would do it again.
Unfortunately, it didn’t work.
The boy didn’t seem to notice them.
11:48 AM:
“Packed with Muggles of course,” said Molly again, marching her children past once more. “What’s the platform number?”
“Nine and three quarters,” Fred and George screamed in unison.
And still the boy remained lost.
11:49 AM:
“Mum,” Ron panted, tripping over himself as he ran to keep up with her. “Slow down!”
Molly ignored him as she practically flew past the poor boy. “Packed with Muggles of course! Now, what’s the platform number?”
“Nine and three quarters,” Ron bellowed.
11:50 AM:
Molly honestly didn’t care if her entire family missed the train and she had to set off across the UK herself like a mother leading a flock of ducklings: she was going to help this boy onto the bloody train.
She marched past him with a fiery determination and said, “Packed with Muggles of course!”
The boy looked up.
Yes! Okay, this was it, this was it, this was it. Play it cool. He was following them. Listening. Pretending not to.
They stopped.
“Now,” Molly said. “What’s the platform number?”
“Nine and three quarters,” piped Ginny.
Victory!
The next nine minutes were a whirlwind of chaos but they managed to get the boy through the barrier. At Molly’s insistence, Fred and George popped up and helped him get his trunk into the compartment. She handed Ron an extra sandwich and muttered, “Tell him that everywhere else was full.”
He dutifully nodded.
As the train took off, she waved to her children, including her newest one.
Bristling with pride, she began to head back to the Burrow. There was simply no time to waste. She had a jumper to knit.
The best part of this is that she repeated this four times and none of the actual muggles noticed a damn thing
People always joke about the Marauders thinking a stray dog is really Sirius but imagine that the Marauders are exploring the Forbidden Forest and they split up and all of a sudden, a deer comes over and nudges Sirius. And he’s just like, “Oh, hey, mate.” And the deer just nudges him again. And they finally decide to head back to the castle but the deer is having none of it so they literally have to drag him out of the forest. Only they’re panicking because he’s not changing back and come on James, this isn’t funny, you know we can’t get caught. And so they start to worry that something is wrong and he can’t change back. And so they smuggle him back into the castle. And by smuggle I mean, they throw the Invisibility Cloak over him but since he’s a deer, it doesn’t really cover much. And that’s the story of how Professor McGonagall looks up and sees three boys shoving a headless deer past her doorway and she promptly decides that it’s not her problem.
So they get the deer to the common room and it’s only then that they begin to speculate that maybe this deer isn’t James after all. But the deer just keeps doing really vague things that could be James. And they spend the rest of the afternoon having to decide if this really is James and if it is, if he’s messing with them or if something’s wrong, and if he’s not, did they just kidnap a deer?
Remember how Ron Weasley sat with Harry on the Hogwarts Express his first day of Hogwarts not only because it was the only place, but because he saw that Harry was sitting alone?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley wrote home to his mother that Harry wasn’t expecting any Christmas presents so that she could send him something?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley told Neville Longbottom that he was worth 12 of Malfoy?
Remember when “Ron was the only one who stood by him”?
Remember when 12 year old Ron Weasley sacrificed himself to a chess game so that Harry could move ahead to stop Snape (Quirrell) from getting the Philosopher’s Stone?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley fiercely defended Hermione when Malfoy called her a mudblood?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley was terrified of spiders but went following them into the forest anyways for his friend?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley turned up at Harry’s house in the middle of the night to rescue him because he was worried that Harry wasn’t answering his letters?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley stayed at Hogwarts over Christmas because he didn’t want his best friend to be lonely?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley completely took over the studying for Buckbeak’s trial?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley stood on a broken leg in front of his best friend and told the man they thought was a mass murderer that if he wanted to kill Harry he would have to kill him as well?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley was personally insulted and guilty about the fact that he had been keeping the man who had betrayed his best friend’s parents as a pet?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley told Harry that they were coming to get him whether or not his aunt and uncle liked it?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley was the thing that Harry would miss most, even after he had fought with him just earlier that year?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley gave up time he could have been studying for his exams to help Harry prepare for the third task?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley used his powers as a prefect to defend Harry to the students who thought that Harry was lying about You-Know-Who?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley kept standing by his best friend all year even though it labelled him as a liar as well?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley fully supported the idea of Harry teaching them Defence Against the Dark Arts and stood up for him to Zacharias Smith who was being extremely rude to Harry?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley was absolutely furious about what Umbridge was doing to Harry in his detentions?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley removed the junk from on top of the knitting that Hermione put out to free the house elves because he knew it would be insulting and rude for them to pick it up without realizing it?
Rember that time when Ron Weasley supported Harry’s decision to talk to Sirius telling Hermione that Harry could “make his own decisions”?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley immediately agreed to go and save Sirius from the ministry?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley stood by Harry even after hearing about the prophecy which said that his best friend would either be killed by Voldemort or kill Voldemort?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley helped Harry find out what horcruxes were and get the memory from Slughorn?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley told Hermione to lay off on Harry about the Potions book and cursing Malfoy, because obviously Harry never wanted to hurt anybody?
Remember when Ron Weasley supported his best friend even though he was dating his little sister?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley stayed and defended Hogwarts when Death Eaters broke into the castle, even though he could have stayed safe by staying away?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley agreed to leave school to help his best friend destroy the horcruxes and told him that they would be there whatever happened?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley risked his life by taking the form of Harry to help him get safely away from Privet Drive?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley was a source of comfort to Hermione when she was upset about the fact that her parents didn’t remember who she was?
Remember that time when Ron was the source of all of the important information on the ministry when Harry, Ron, and Hermione needed to break in to get the horcrux?
Remember how Ron kept wearing the horcrux even though it was affecting him in a way much stronger than it did Harry and Hermione? Remember how he did that without complaint, accepting that it was all of their jobs to wear it?
Remember how Ron Weasley regretted leaving the moment he did?
Remember how he came back and saved Harry’s life?
Remember how Ron Weasley knew there was no excuse for him, but came back anyways, not expecting his friends to forgive him, but because he had promised he would be there?
Remember how Ron became the driving force of the trio after he came back, keeping them moving and on track, trying to make up for his mistake, still not expecting to be forgiven or even feeling like he deserved it?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley flat out refused to hand over Harry to Xeno Lovegood in exchange for Luna?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley screamed for him to be tortured instead of Hermione at Malfoy Manor? Remember how he ran around screaming her name and sobbing, wishing it was him instead of her?
Remember when Ron Weasley discovered a way to destroy the cup and made sure to get it destroyed?
Remember that time when Ron Weasley defended the House Elves saying that they couldn’t order them all to die for them?
Remember how Ron Weasley screamed out in defiance against Voldemort after they believed Harry to be dead? Remember how he continued to fight even though he knew what would happen if they lost?
Remember when Ron was the very best friend that someone could ever even ask for and how he was so loyal, kind, brave, and just an all around great guy?
Remember how Ron Weasley was a teenage boy who made mistakes but always acknowledged them and apologized, and never tried to make it seem like he didn’t do anything wrong? Remember how when he messed up he always worked hard to make his relationships stronger afterwards?
Ron Weasley is a great friend. Anyone who disagrees can fight me.
willowfoot 